NEED TO CURB OR BETTER STILL REDUCE EXPECTATIONS

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS BRING MISERY INTO AN INDIVIDUAL’S LIFE

When talking to friends and former colleagues, I realise that many individuals have unrealistic expectaions on a few matters. These expectaions then lead them into an unhappy phase and sometimes bring misery into their lives. WHAT ARE EXPECTATIONS? Expectations are personal beliefs about events that may or may not happen. They are assumptions about the future. Do understand that, in effect, expectations are anticipation based on subjective and objective aspects. PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS Sometimes, parents have unrealistic expectations about their children. Many children these days are not interested in taking over their parents large house or property. They choose to live and work overseas and on what they believe to be greener shores. There are many abandoned houses in the city because the children are all overseas. They do not have the time nor the inclination to return home and sort out this matter.

CHILDREN WILL CARE FOR US IN OUR OLD AGE! This is another unrealistic expectation that many parents had not forseen. They lived a frugal life, did not have luxuries or even a single overseas holiday and even borowed money to send their children to overseas universities for a good education. One 87 year old woman drives to the Old Town Markert in Petaling Jaya, and then lugs the carry on basket down the stairs from the car park. After marketing, she then struggles to go up the stairs with the heavy load and sometimes a kind worker lends a hand. That is her sorry plight. All her three children have chosen to live overseas. PARENTS LEFT TO STRUGGLE ON THEIR OWN In another case, two former teachers live on their own in a Petaling Jaya suburb. The husband is 88 years old and needs a walker around the living room. He does not drive now and remains at home all the time. The wife is 85 years and frail but at least she can drive. They have a live in maid. When they need assistance, all their relatives are roughly their age. These relatives do help out when they can. The couple have two daughters who have both chosen to live in New Zealand. The daughters come down about twice a year when there is a troubling health situation. Both parents are miserable and miss their children. The adult children in all these cases did not think seriously of the tremendous sacrifices that their parents made to give them a good life and a sound education. They put their own interests first. I also know of two cases where children received scholarships to top overseas universities from government agencies or the private sector. The condition was that on completion of the degree programme, they had to serve the agency or the company concernend for five years. In both these cases, these recipients did not want to fulfil their part on graduation. They spoke to their fathers to settle it for them! And guess what? The silly fathers used their own savings to buy their release. HUSBANDS, WIVES and PARTNERS Here again, we have situations where one or both parties have expectations after being in a relationship for years. However, situations can change dramatically especially if one party is not happy in the relationship and chooses not to deal with the matter. He or she also refuses to discuss the matter in a mature and rational manner. Change, you see, remains a constant in our lives much like death and taxes.

HUSBANDS MAY TURN MOROSE and SULLEN If they had not thought about retirment and made some decent plans for the post retirement phase of their lives. When in office, they had a senior position i.e.manager or director of a department, a secretary and probably a company car with a driver. Adjusting to life without these perks can be difficult if one has not adequately prepared for that eventuality. These men can then become somewhat withdrawn and at a loss of how to spend their time intelligently and usefully. While in service during our working life, the employer dictates the programmes and priorities. However, in retirement, we have to take on that responsibility. We cannot drift from day to day in a kind of stupor! We have to cultivate a new circle of friends. Get to know our neighbours a little better. Or volunteer our service and skills at a youth centre or at an NGO that caters for the poor etc. The list of possibilities is endless. Do invest the time and the effort in this task. Alternatively try to explore and discover our country and small towns that are full of character and history through a series of road trips. WIVES MAY CHANGE FOCUS In the post retirement phase of their lives, I have seen at close quarters, wives who changed their focus, almost by default, on their relationship with the other half. Instead, these three wives who I have observed, now focus a lot on their children. The husband is thus now of secondary importance to the wife. In one case, it is getting unnecessarily involved in the marraige of the children. When the son or daughter gets married, do give them the space and time, to sort out the marital issues on their own. Far too much parental involvement muddies the water so to speak. Allow them the luxury to make their own mistakes, as part of the learning process, and then reconcile the differences without parental involvement. In laws should not seek to become out laws to their son in law! Some wives are particulary close to their son(s). Once they reach adulthood, the son must be allowed to find his way in life. This is the time to stand back. The son should be able to find a suitable partner on his own. Well meaning wives and some aunts are too preoccupied in the son’s personal life. This is going too far. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS ON DOING GOOD DEEDS

If you wish to engage in an act of kindness or engage in small acts of mercy from time to time, please do so. But let your motives be straightforward. You choose to do so for altruistic reasons and not like many for applause and recognition. When in giving a cheque for say RM5,000.00 there are five committee members of the association in the photo of the handover, which is then published in the local newspaper, you have had your five minutes of recognition and fame. I also know of a case where an individual contributed RM 50.00 a month to a home for abused and neglected children in Klang for ten continous years. There was no publicity of this because that person did so for altruitic reasons. He did not need the cheap publicity to feel good. Mother Teresa once advised: ” What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight; build it anyway “. Your motive matters , not the structure itself. And finally remember true love does not mean you never have to say sorry for some hurt you caused. That is because true love is a love that causes us pain, that hurts and yet brings joy in that loving process. So it is wise and prudent to review our expectations on a number of matters if we do not wish to be terribly disappointed.